Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
