Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
this will be a night to untag.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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