i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
