Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
