Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
