I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
