I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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