are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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