But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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