New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
