I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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