my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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