Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
