my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
