onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
