By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
false alarm, still single
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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