I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
