Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
