apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
