a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
