I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
