I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
