I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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