I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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