i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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