my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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