I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
