Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
