i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
