so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
