A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
