i permit you to call me
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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