Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
