Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
