distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
