just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize