man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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