I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Randomize
