As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize