After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
