why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
