my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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