Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize