Little spoons don't ask big questions
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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