You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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