dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize