who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Is her dick bigger than yours?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
