You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
