Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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