whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
