a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize