dude i'm inner monologue high
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
