3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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