If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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