my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
