I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
