so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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