fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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